Daily Archives: August 23, 2015

Born chewing..!

Proof, if any were needed that I was born with a love of food!
Proof, if any were needed that I was born with a love of food!

I look at that photo, and smile. There’s no doubt I was loved – my mum and dad tried for 12 years to have a baby and it just didn’t happen. They adopted me at 6 weeks old, and never had a baby been so loved…or so well fed! I’ve dipped in and out of therapy over the years to try and understand this weird relationship I have with food and there’s no doubt in my mind that some of the way I’m wired stems way back to my formative years. Feeding me was my mum’s way of showing love. If I skinned my knee, or fell out with a friend, there was a ready supply of edible treats to make me feel better. Bad times, good times, difficult times, tears…all medicated with food.

Back then I’m sure I was regarded as a bonny baby – nowadays my mum would probably be hauled in front of social workers screaming about childhood obesity and food abuse…and on balance I guess they’d have a point. Looking at the picture, the space-hopper physique isn’t a million miles away what I see right now as I look down at the rolls of fat on my arms and the dimples on my knees (although let’s not forget there are some seriously foxy knees buried under all of that). I do speak from a position of certainty though when I say nobody’s going to look at the adult space-hopper and say ‘Awww…’ in quite the same way.

In many respects, as an obese adult, the bigger you are the more invisible you become.

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My skinny knees, admiring the view.

Maldives, 2007.
Maldives, 2007.

Well, that answers that then…that’s how I attach a photo. Yey, go me.

I feel wistful when I look at this picture…I spent hours in that spot, contemplating life, love, all the usual stuff. I was full of optimism. My job was coming to an end but I knew I’d be ok so I wasn’t too worried. I’d just met a new bloke and was in that lovely heady place of being constantly giddy (he didn’t work out, they never do but lets not even get started down that particular road) and I was away with my best friend.

Best of all, I was slim!! I’d just spent 8 months or more on a drastic VLC liquid diet and I’d dropped around 8 stones. I felt like a million dollars. This time – that time – I was going to keep the weight off…no doubt about it. I did too, for around a year…sadly I’ve spent the last 7 years putting it all back on again, and then some. Once my finger finds the ‘self destruct’ button, it’s over.

Today, those skinny knees are in here somewhere (admire if you will the square kneecaps…they’re an object of beauty don’t you think?) but they’re buried under layers of dimpled lumpy topsoil and currently sitting above chunky middle-aged cankles. I’m one week into my quest to find them again.

It’s probably the tenth or so such attempt since I returned to the ranks of being a fat knacker but you know what…this time, eh? I’m just back from another holiday and I could weep at the difference between me now, and me then. More of that later…for now, think positive. Baby steps, but still…steps are steps, one leads to another and this week at least they’ve all been in the right direction.

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Still practising…

diary

Never having been one to keep a diary – well except for during one angst-ridden teenage year which I still have and which is both amusing and painful to read, in equal measure – I don’t know how easily I’ll take to committing a regular download of my thoughts into this place.  I’m the Queen of unfinished projects, so I’d hazard a guess that I will take to it with gusto and throw myself in wholeheartedly.  To start with anyway 🙂

I’ll kid myself that I’m being sufficiently guarded, when in actual fact I’ll probably be far too honest.  I’m likely to forget that I’m not just keeping a diary for my eyes only, which means I’ll completely forget to deploy my filter and share far too much information without realising I’m doing so. It wouldn’t be the first time that my big mouth has landed me in hot water.

But I’m guessing as risks go, it’s a fairly small one in the grand scheme of things…after all who would really be that interested in the musings of a middle aged woman who’s just looking for a bit of non-judgemental company on her journey from fat to fabulous.  If you’re on your own journey it might even be interesting to compare notes.

So that’s it…home page written, first 2 posts posted. I’m sure at some point as I play around with all this stuff I’ll figure out how to do pictures, and add interesting stuff to supplement my ramblings.  I’m excited…seems a far more creative outlet than therapy!

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