I was catching up with a good friend this morning and we were comparing our respective dieting progress in the way that only two fat people can. Do you know what I mean when I say that? I mean, sure you can talk to a skinny string bean friend about how it’s going, and they can nod along, and understand it on an intellectual level – you’re eating less, and trying to move more in the hope that you’ll eventually be able to wear pants which are only expected to accommodate a pair of legs and a bum, instead of holding it in, hoisting it up and making you look at least two sizes smaller than the reality. Your skinny friends will undoubtedly listen, support and encourage but they can’t understand.
Anyway, during the course of our conversation, my friend talked abut something that I’d never really thought about before – she reckons that one of her colleagues at work is doing her level best to actually sabotage her diet. I was outraged of course, on her behalf and I’m sure this woman’s ears must have been burning, wherever she was. But fancy that, someone who would actively look to find ways to make the wheels come off your diet…what an arse! But you know what, now I’ve had my eyes opened to the concept, I can think of someone I used to know who did exactly the same thing.
When I say sabotage, I don’t mean someone who waits until you’re out of the room and quickly lifts the lid of your sandwich to spread an extra layer of butter…it’s a bit more subtle than that. But someone sitting back and observing, making all the right noises whilst getting to know your achilles heel, and then going out of their way to put temptation bang in your path. That’s what I’m talking about. I started thinking about the reasons why someone might do that, because it just strikes me as a really mean thing to do. Insecurities of their own maybe? Fear that you might end up skinnier than them, or maybe they just don’t like the attention that you’re getting…? Hard to tell.
When I think back to the girl I used to hang out with when our boys were small, who, the more I think about it was an out and out diet saboteur, I remember she was always really supportive in the early stages of my latest diet but once the weight started to shift, so did her attitude. It’s like she didn’t like the idea that I was actually going to succeed and go all the way. I wouldn’t even begin to understand her motivation for doing that but even though twenty odd years has passed between then and now, I’d love to go back and ask her.
Her modus operandi was to tell me how good I was looking – even though I was more often than not still at least 40lbs overweight – and challenge whether I really wanted to lose any more..? Perhaps I should have a break for a while and just maintain, after all I was starting to look a bit drawn. You’ve done so well…have some cake. Of course the asshole in my mind was on it like a car bonnet and between the two of them I caved pretty much every time. I think there’s something about stopping before you get to your target weight or size which makes you less inclined to feel the sense of achievement which might just help you stay in that golden place. So I’d linger in the suburbs of Skinny Town for ten minutes and then hop on the gravy train back to Mooseville. My responsibility of course, but her and the asshole were definitely partners in crime.
It’s a weird feeling to think someone might be deliberately engineering a situation to make you fail. That said, being aware of dieting torpedoes in any shape of form isn’t necessarily a bad thing…it’s just another tool to keep me on my toes. I’m blessed that everybody around me this time are really rooting for me to succeed…but ask me again 100lbs from now ok?
There’s another breed of saboteur …. the lesser spotted “I can do anything better than you” species. I’ve had a number of instances where I’ve embarked on a health kick only to have a “friend” dive into competitive mode and try to outdo every metric. I just have to recite “don’t compare your chapter one to someone else’s chapter 20” to myself (albeit through gritted teeth!)
You are so right…I’ve met a few of those in my time. I call them ‘Tommy two shits’ …as in if you’ve been for one they’ve been for two ?
Absolutely! I’m on receiving end of this all of the time from family and friends equally. It’s got to the point where I wear particular clothes (so as to look bigger/fatter) and actively avoid certain people by literally running the other way if I see them coming along. How ruddy ridiculous at my age of nearly 60. The reducing person appears to present a God-given opportunity for all and sundry to make comments of a personal nature that you’d never ever make to someone who was putting on weight. Would you ever say to anyone “Gosh, you’re getting rather fat, aren’t you?”; “Are you OK – you look really fat at the moment?”
Strange that this is the topic of today’s blog as this issue has been particularly pertinent in the past few weeks and in the last couple of days has been particularly difficult to cope with. I’ve been dwelling on why people feel it’s their right to invade your physical and mental space when they wouldn’t do it to a fat person. Is it that fat is seen as a weakness but slim is seen as a strength which threatens their own sense of who they are in some way? Perhaps they see it as a criticism of the status quo, of them?
In the last few years, I have given up smoking, stopped drinking and gone back to a moderate exercise routine including running and ballet, also achieved first class honours in an OU degree. I also work jolly hard in a full-time post, do my own housework and gardening (in a family and neighbourhood where cleaners and gardeners are the norm), grow vegetables, cook from scratch every day, bake, and continue to enjoy and support four grown up children.
Yesterday, my mother said: “You’re lucky, your strong and determined enough to overcome your weaknesses.” What I really think she was saying was: “You make me feel as if I gave up too early, as if I’m weak and have no determination. And that makes me feel bad about myself.”
Now, this leads me on to wonder if other people are really feeling the same. Our determination, our achievement of goals (albeit small ones along the road to Skinnyville) makes them feel as if they should be achieving goals (not necessarily the same ones as ours of course) and in some weird way the sight of us succeeding is a criticism of them. Our desire to change is abandoning the status quo in which they feel comfortable.
As Priestley wrote – the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there. But for those for whom the past is the present, they’re still doing things the same but we’re striving to reach a new present and a new future where things are different. Perhaps the underlying fear is that we will leave them behind?
Sorry this has been a bit long and thanks for reading if you get to the end.
xxx
I love your well-thought-out words…some interesting thoughts Toffin, not to mention some amazing achievements! D x
Ahhh… “You are so lucky. ” (sigh)
You go Girl!
Cheers Fleury! 🙂
Toffin first of all I laughed so hard at ‘You’re looking fat today”
But I agree and I do think those that are not your true support, the ones who pick, who undermine, who intrude, feel EXACTLY the way you ‘heard’ your mother’s comment.
There’s a children’s book I sued to read to my kids – something about a bucket – everyone has a bucket they carry and when they feel good about themselves it gets filled up. Some people are bucket fillers, they help you, they support you, the acknowledge your wonderfulness. Some are bucket dippers – they don’t have enough in their bucket and they think it will fill if they empty yours. But it never works.
Same sort of thing here 🙂
I LOVE that idea!
Some people simply cannot stand watching another person succeed, and it’s sad for them. No, they would never admit that, never in a million years. Yes, i’ve had my share of those people in my life, including in my family. They are subtle so you have to be on the lookout.
Ah but we’re on to them now eh? D x
Hooray, hooray, do we hear ya! You are firing on all cylinders, and it just makes my day when the Notification! e-mail appears. (no pressure…)
Not only does a friend who’s fat know just what you’re talking about, he or she can say, Thank you. It’s a taboo subject. But even our near-and-dear will take those insidious shots. The don’t-lose-too-MUCH-weight, don’t-get-too-attractive, don’t-be-too-successful, now. It’s unheard-of to call their pointed commemts by such a sinister name.
Granted, Grandparents & other nurturers have to press comfort treats on us. It’s in their job description. (How to say No, Aunt Matilda I said No! & not be the villain is a thorny one). But random acquaintances with absolutely no stake in us? Ppfft!
Aw, I’m glad! My palms always get a bit sweaty when I sit down to write, in case nothing worth saying wants to come out 🙂 Yes I could forgive a Granny way more easily than a friend with a hidden agenda!
I am certainly not an intentional saboteur but I am definitely a “nurturer” and I have to really watch myself on that. It is a way of showing love, and there is also some vanity involved in being a good cook. I’ve been working hard on changing this behaviour in myself.
There’s a distinct difference between the two things isn’t there…I’m a nurturer too to a degree and I’ve certainly been guilty in the past about lobbying for a skinny string bean friend to indulge when I’ve been over indulging…and that’s just as bad.I don’t know what demons of her own she was wrestling with, none of us do. None of us are perfect, but we do the best we can right?
I was reading something on similar lines last week – about ‘that toxic friend’ – it’s true – there are people that are only happy if they feel superior for whatever reason – awful isn’t it?
I’ll be cheering you no matter what suburb I’m in at that moment LOL.
It’s important to be aware of the saboteurs – because sometimes it surprises you when you find them in someone you thought you had a handle on – then it’s best to just get shut of it as painlessly as possible . . .
And I was laughing at your description of the conversation with your pal – truth – no one understands if they haven’t been there!
I know, right? Walk a mile in my shoes and all that 🙂