Given that I have a black belt in saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, I could probably fill a dozen blog posts with the bloopers I’ve come out with over the years, but someone said something to me last week which reminded me how easy it is to insult someone by accident. I was chatting to a colleague who’d just given me a whole cheesecake to take downstairs for our team – I work in the HQ of a food retailer, and a supplier had left some samples – as I took the offered box I joked about walking the long way around the building so I could eat it on the route between our respective departments. He laughed, and said well it probably wouldn’t be the first time haha…
Now, logic tells me – along with the slow motion way in which his face fell, then turned a lovely shade of magenta – that he didn’t mean it like that…he was talking generally and not insinuating that I’d vaporised samples before, heading down the stairs and along the corridor shovelling cheesecake into my face as I went…it’s just unfortunate that that’s how it came out. I think my snort of laughter sent the message that I wasn’t offended and the moment passed, but imagine if I’d been a really sensitive soul, just how easily I could have assumed that’s exactly what he meant, and how crushed I would have been.
It made me think about unguarded moments of my own where I’ve probably ruined someone’s day by forgetting to push my words through that inner filter which is supposed to vet all my thoughts before they make it out of my mouth. Like the time I bumped into a friend I knew was expecting in the post office and asked her how long ’till her baby was due…turns out he was three months old. Yeh, I wanted the ground to swallow me after that one.
Incidentally some years later, a lady in the queue at the same post office asked me when my baby was due…given that I wasn’t pregnant, just fat, I think that’s what you call poetic justice but in the spirit of avoiding a horribly embarrassing moment for both of us, I rubbed my stomach tenderly and made up a random date. I wouldn’t mind but I think my boy was about eight years old at the time so I didn’t even have the excuse of recent baby weight to console me.
I once asked a friend I knew from college who the bloke in the red shirt was on a photo I’d seen of her in a group and when she said it was her husband I was like no, the old bloke…nailed with a death stare and yes, that’s my husband…awkward…thank God the filter caught the words is he rich? before they made it out past my lips…it was a very close call.
Of course coming from Yorkshire, where people tend to be very straight-talking, I’m probably a bit de-sensitised to start with – folk around these parts tend not to flower things up, and looking back I think the greatest compliment my ex husband ever paid me was when he commented admiringly that I didn’t sweat much for a fat lass. Not surprising he’s an ex when I think about it, right? The arrows with the sharpest barbs though have definitely been the ones to do with how I look.
There have been occasions in the past where people have said things unintentionally that really hit me hard, ably assisted of course by the asshole in my mind who picked up the baton immediately to make me dwell on them, awarding them far more power in terms of hurting me than they ever should have had.
What I’ve noticed though, is that now this march to Skinny town is established, and it’s gathering a momentum all of its own, words which might otherwise have wounded are falling by the wayside unnoticed you know? It’s almost as though in my head I’ve totally bought into this fat suit being a temporary state of affairs, so it’s fine not to waste energy dwelling on a problem that’s well on the way to being fixed. That feels pretty bloody cool.
Can you feel the balance of power shifting beneath our collective boots too?
Since I have 16 kids, most of the time people assumed I was pregnant, I actually WAS, but I kept that look in between babies too. Anyway…once when I was 9 months pregnant with baby number eleven, my mother-in-law looked at me and said, “At least you’re tan.” It broke my sensitive heart, so I made a huge joke about it, and my kids say it to each other all the time. I think it goes without saying that as we get smaller, our confidence gets bigger…although I must admit I have also cringed when I have heard the comments about how I look like a whole different person, after losing some weight. As if I am not the VERY SAME PERSON, just with a little less padding.
Della
You know, that’s a really good point – some of the unkindest things people have said to me were said to my skinny face about the fat me (if you know what I mean) and there have been a couple of times where the words have stung, and I’ve thought wow, when we went there, is that what you thought about me? I’m the same person on the inside you know?
I’ve got the same problem of saying something that embarrasses a friend and not realizing I’ve done it until it’s too late. But I also have a tendency to forget I did it way too soon, and then not realizing why someone is angry at me. Until being reminded about it. I’ve done the when-is-the-baby-due and somehow the response was so strong that it made it through my filters. Your writing is very powerful, Dee, and you’re making me think every day. Thank you. 🙂
Thanks Djan…I’m the opposite way, I remember long after they do that I’ve dropped a clanger, and drastically overcompensate to the point where I even get on my own nerves…we are complicated creatures aren’t we 🙂
People say mean things or put foot in mouth and it used to really eat at me too. But I think rising above is a sign that we love and put ourselves above the fray. It’s a good sign and a definite shift!
I think so…I’m utterly convinced now that this fat suit is a temporary state of affairs, hence my new-found cocky attitude! 🙂
So, I’ve been asked if I was pregnant more times than I can count. It stopped bothering me about the third or fourth time it happened. Now that I’ve lost weight, it’s the opposite. “Wow, you lost a lot of weight.” “You must feel great!” “Wow!” So, I do appreciate the compliments, but they are kind of back handed compliments. You know if I was a drunk and only my family knew it and I went into rehab for recovery and then attended AA meetings, no one would know. But when you are heavy and you lose weight, people telling you how much weight you’ve lost and how great you must feel is kind of like, “Hey, you looked like crap before.” I don’t ever take it that way, but it is annoying after a while. I’ve had to learn to work on my own filter. People dislike me sometimes because I am way too open about my thoughts. I guess it’s something we can all work on.
I’ll need to try that one on for size Tracey…I can’t imagine a scenario where someone telling me I look skinny is annoying, it’s kind of my biggest most cherished daydream right now you know..?! In times gone by where people have said ‘you’ve lost enough now, I think you should stop’, that’s rattled me. But I think that stems more from people thinking they have the right to help me decide what I should look like or what size I should be. I know I’ve died a thousand deaths after bumping into people when I’ve gone the other way, from skinny to fat, and they’ve opened their mouth, probably on the verge of some exclamation, only to shut it again real quick, you can almost hear their filter in action and they say nothing but you know what they’re thinking…that’s excruciating!
Excellent thoughts as usual – I learned that ‘don’t ask about pregnancy’ thing ages ago the hard way 🙂
whoops…you too…?!
Oh yes, Dee. What happened w/ the colleague sounds like what i imagine a lifelong Skinny Girl would do. Make a breezy joke, & give a breezy laugh to his jokey response. You didn’t bat an eyelash.
This certainly is a powerful trip we’re all on, OMG. I can’t see properly yet (again) & forbid myself to buy any clothes w/out trying them on. My eyes don’t see changes in my appearance… you know how it goes. But in interacting w/ people in my life, my Persona reverted with no effort. Am able to take them at face value – no waiting, no need for patience & saintly faith.
Lovin’ this! Fleury
Hell Yeah! We’ve SO got this lady!! D x