I have a friend – a really good friend as it happens – who told me this weekend that she misses the old me. It took me a bit by surprise actually, and I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about what she meant. Don’t get me wrong, she sort of explained, and I sort of got it, but I guess it hit me again about the way my changing perspective on stuff is affecting those people around me.
So we were trying to arrange a shopping date, which is something we usually do a couple of times a year. January sales are fast approaching and we’re normally limbering up by now you know? The way those days normally go is this – we meet up and head straight for coffee, talking each other into some kind of badass cake whilst we’re at it, after all it would be rude not to. We then make a serious assault on the shops, talking each other into buying frivolous things we don’t need, before heading somewhere amazing for lunch or afternoon tea where we generally linger over a nice bottle of fizz. Or two.
The number of bags I stagger home with largely depends on how fat or skinny I am at the time, but whatever diet I’ve been on in the run up to our shopping date, I can’t ever remember a time when the diet of the hour wasn’t suspended in honour of the occasion. One of the things that we’ve laughed about most over the years is how easily we are persuaded by each other to be really wicked.
We egg each other on, you know? Find excuses as to why the other needs this or that, which removes all guilt associated with whatever the purchase happens to be.
We’ve all got friends in different buckets, right? I’ve got friends I go to who I’ll know will be on my side no matter what the situation, because…well they always are. They tell me what I want to hear. Then I’ve got friends who tell it me straight, and if I’m being a diva, or if I’m in the wrong, boy do they let me know. I’ve got friends who try to talk me out of stuff, and friends whose counsel will invariably be hell yeah, go for it.
I select who I’m asking the advice of depending on the answer I want to hear…if you’re smiling right now, you know exactly what I mean. And whilst very few of my actual friends know I write the blog, if you’re one of the ones who does, and you’re reading this, you’ll also know exactly which bucket you fall into 🙂
What I think my friend is struggling with is that the dynamic of what we do might be changed forever if I carve out a whole new set of rules. She’s used to me being the one telling her that the double chocolate fudge cake can’t have any calories in it because it’s laid on it’s side so obviously they’ve all leaked out. That if we want a second bottle of wine that’s perfectly fine, because after the first bottle your body is so busy processing the alcohol that anything we eat doesn’t count so let’s order a large portion of that and make the most of it…I’m that friend in her bucket.
I’m not the sensible friend, or the one who holds the mirror up and makes her accountable…I’m the one who knows the answer she’s looking for, and finds a way to make it ok. And she does the same for me. She’s responsible for a fair number of those black and white boxes on top of my wardrobe…always mad keen to give me a little push in the direction of a fuck it moment when I’m wavering, finding reasons why it would be a disaster if I walked away.
So she knows we’ll still laugh together, and shop together and there’s no chance in the world of us not getting up to mischief together…it’s what we do. But she was astute enough to know that this is more than just another diet. There’s a genuine step change in the way I’m trying to manage my relationship with food, and the days of us working our way through the cake menu in whichever coffee shop we land in are probably over. I’m glad she was honest enough to come right out and say how much she’s going to miss that.
So am I, as it happens.
You and your friend are lucky to have each other in your lives. Old You or New You; you’re You (and you’re a smart cookie and pretty awesome).
At this time in my life, friends are “there” for me in ways that family can’t be and I love them all. But, only one or two friends were/are able to support me in all aspects of making the changes needed to lose 50-60 lbs and not gain it back. In thinking about your post, I realized that I sometimes miss the Old Me too; she had a devil may care attitude that I just can’t indulge much anymore. I have a different freedom now- within the structure/groove that I use, I feel free. In binge mode, I often felt some carbohydrate comfort; but I also felt a little enslaved to the cravings and that “I don’t want to do this; but here I go again” experience. It was demoralizing. I try to remember that now if someone offers the “just have one or two bites, you’ve been so good” suggestion. I’m no longer afraid that I’m no fun. This life is better than that one. 🙂
Thanks for being there Dee. I love getting to experience your journey.
Well what a lovely note, thank you…I’m glad you’re here 🙂 I love your idea of a different kind of freedom…that’s exactly it. Good for you!
This is something I struggled with last spring when I was feeling like a bad friend. I really was. I felt like I just couldn’t keep pace with my friends. My lifestyle had changed, I’m not interested in going out and drinking two bottles of wine, sitting around scrap booking all night with one friend. I’m not interested in eating cheese and crackers and sitting around watching TV with another friend. And I don’t have it in me to compete with the third friend’s family drama. So…I kind of let them go for a while and then I was feeling guilty. So I’ve been trying to re-enter the lives of my friends by keeping one toe in the bucket and the rest out. You know, have 1/2 glass of wine and scrap book for a couple hours. Have a HEALTHY dinner, no dessert and kick my other friend out at 10 p.m. (or she’d stay til 1 a.m.). And unfortunately, I have kind of let go of the drama queens because I can’t take it. It happens. We change and either our friends love us anyway, or they can’t accept us and we move on.
That’s true Tracey…friends are precious but you both need to draw joy from the friendship otherwise what’s the point. Real friends will adapt 🙂
Tracey it’s been liberating for me to give myself permission to take some space when I need it from relationships that i don’t want to cut permanently but that have become draining to me for some reason – I hope you find a comfortable balance!
Hi, Dee! I get it – as you knew i would…. Plenty to think about, including 1) the ‘buckets’ that segment the people in our lives. Your girlfriend is a true friend to say that to you – loves you enough to grant you leave to continue your personal evolution. No reservations on either side: she might thrive with that gusto intact, & bury us all.
2) And on a day when i was missing (with reservations, though), my sister. She has been outside of my life for years, & has since passed away. I don’t miss the damn-the-consequences temper, Don’t-care-who-I-take-down-with-me & other aspects of her ill-managed ailments. Just, she & i used to be partners in high-calorie romps. There is a wild glee that you share. It’s a continual bafflement that she checked out, the month before our 60th birthday. Some people promptly offer the words, Well, she was so overweight.
3) Nevermind that the weight was also a shared burden as adults. When she really got out the hammer & tongs, she wept to me that people were mean to her, snickered at her falling asleep on a plane probably with her mouth open – ugh, this is pretty strong stuff huh? Sorry about that.
Thx from my heart – Fleury
You’re welcome lovely lady…and I’m sorry for your loss. The buckets thing is an interesting concept don’t you think? In some of my friends’ buckets I am captain sensible, and yet in other people’s buckets I’m the naughty one…I guess each friendship dynamic is different, and that makes me different. All part of life’s rich tapestry right? Hugs x
Absolutely – with warmest aloha & appreciation. –& WTH are you doing answering mail? isn’t it almost midnight in GMT zone? Love, F
Haha yes it is…I get so absorbed in here though, answering mail and reading posts…I love it when people discover the blog and comment on posts from way back, it’s a constant source of happy juice! 🙂
Fleury I’m sorry for your loss as well – I am an only child so can’t really comprehend – but I can imagine it would be quite a large piece of what goes on in your head. Just sending a hug
Here’s the thing, though — she likes and loves you, and so the friendship will go on. That’s the most important bit.
Never a truer word spoken Mimi 🙂
Well I’m glad it feels so different to you both
That said, I understand. I’m glad you two could talk about it too – and you can remind her that while you won’t be EATING everything in sight, that doesn’t mean she can’t, and perhaps this will make you a stauncher advocate of frivolous purchases 🙂
yeh that’s kind of where we got to in the end 🙂