One Foot In Afterwards

It’s not often that I resent the fact that I have to work for a living, in fact the opposite is true. I enjoy my job a lot, and I love the company that I work for, but honestly, after having a lovely long run of ten days off, the very last thing I wanted to do last night was set my alarm for stupid o’clock, and haul my sorry ass back to work. I mean come on, surely it’s my turn to win the lottery or something?

If I didn’t have to work, I could spend my days doing all those things that I never have time to think about when I’m caught up in the daily grind. I’ve never not worked, and I realise that makes me more fortunate than some, but it’s been awesome this week just pottering around at home. And I’ll tell you what else, it’s been much easier to stick to my food plan, because there hasn’t been anywhere near the same amount of temptations that I’m used to fielding on a daily basis.

I can pretty much guarantee that in our office of ten people, one of us will be eating or chewing or grazing on something at any given point in time. And I can also guarantee that as soon as I hear the crinkle of a wrapper, my ears are all over it. I want in.

I can’t help wondering how long it will be before I get to the point where resisting temptation doesn’t come with a hefty dollop of resentment. Will it ever? I’ve become fairly well-rehearsed in the art of saying no and holding the line with the Asshole voice, but I’m still one hundred percent in that place where I want to mutter under my breath and kick whichever lucky bastard is eating the thing I can’t have as soon as the words leave my lips.

Resisting temptation makes me feel good afterwards, especially at bedtime if I’m reflecting on a day that hasn’t turned out to be a smart-points car crash. It’s the same when I go to the Kingdom of Pain, you know? I feel better afterwards, even though the hour of torture itself is still something I have to work hard at not resenting. The people make it fun, but for the record I fucking hate kettle bells until the end of time.

I reckon it’s more of a challenge to live in the moment when you’re trying to lose weight, because all the good stuff seems to happen after the event. Make the right choice, and then feel good about it afterwards. Do you think this is what normal people do, like all the time? Maybe I’ve lived my life so far with an upside-down approach…as far back as I can remember, gratification in the moment and regret and self recrimination afterwards is all I’ve ever known.

It’s taken me a while to learn how to appreciate the afterwards. The penny didn’t drop straight away, about cause and effect. I’m slowly turning the ship, but I’m still wrestling with the wheel and I think I probably will be for a good while yet. Maybe I always will. Maybe I’m just wired in a way that means feeling pissed off in the moment because I can’t eat what I really want to eat will always happen?

I hope not. I hope I’ll get to that place where resisting temptation is as natural as breathing. I live in hope 🙂

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6 thoughts on “One Foot In Afterwards

  1. tl:dr No 😀

    Now my full answer…

    No, it won’t be forever–though shades of resentment could linger well into maintenance, but go away eventually. I’ll tell you why.

    “Normal weight” people don’t have to resist/suffer so much because they’re not focused on food. Hard to believe but true: unless they’re hungry, they don’t notice. It’s your focus–mental attention to “treats” that’s causing the suffering.

    Imagine if you didn’t hear the crinkle, smell the chocolate, etc or it didn’t command your attention. How hard is it to resist now? That’s how they feel (again, unless hungry.) Kind of like when I hear birdsong out my window, I think “bird” and go back to whatever I’m doing. A birdwatcher might drop everything, get binoculars, record the species on their life list, alert the local our-feather-friends society, and so on. I’m not a birdwatcher so I hear it for a second and ignore it.

    The suffer/resist cycle will end because of what you’re doing now: teaching your brain that this focus is useless. The brain will eventually repurpose those neurons once the chains have led to futility often enough–it takes time.

    This is a hugely important step, however, to ultimate success because it makes mental room for new focuses–like falling in love, or discovering a save-the-world-one-ocean-at-a-time passion, or fostering abandoned spaniels… all kinds of things. The crinkly stuff was taking up a lot of mental real estate in your head–best friend, lover, passion because you focused on it.

    Now that you’ve broken up, new things/people will emerge to fill those roles. Wait and see if I’m right… (I am, I know this one. :))

    Love the post, so PROUD of you, Dee! xoM

    1. Oh Margaret you’ve just switched on another light bulb in my head…your bird watching analogy is genius. Simple, I get it. I so appreciate the time you take to share your insight, and it helps, massively. I’m so lucky to have all you lot in my corner, you make all the difference in the world ?

  2. It gets easier. There are some foods other people eat that i have no trouble being glad are off my list now. Every once in a while, though, there are a few i wish i didn’t have to avoid. Overall, though, it gets easier.

  3. I actually find it a lot harder to resist temptation when I’m home all day, especially if I’m alone and a bit bored or lonely. When I’m at TAFE (school) I’m busy and have people to talk to so I can even resist the vending machines (usually).

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