One Battle At A Time

One of the guys who I’ve worked alongside for the last couple of years moved on to start a new job last week, and although I was out and about on his last day, when I arrived at the office after the weekend, his parting gift of chocolate for the team was lying in wait on the desk as I walked through the door.

I wasn’t bothered by it on Monday. Beyond a fleeting thought along the lines of how thoughtful he’d been to leave it, it didn’t really register. Yesterday on the other hand, the same chocolate drove me to hell and back. Especially around mid-afternoon when I made a cup of tea.

I’d eaten lunch at 11.40am because the roast beef sandwich on soft wholemeal bread that I’d carefully made to bring to work had toyed with me all morning. Holding out until the clock was at least edging towards 12.00pm had been a miracle in itself given the number of times my mind had unwrapped the foil over the course of the morning. To be honest, it was lucky to survive my journey to work, because It was just one of those days, you know? The kind where your mind is constantly pre-occupied with what you’re going to eat.

I don’t often eat bread these days, maybe once or twice a week. It’s not particularly a trigger food for me – well, not unless we’re talking about warmed Tiger bread lathered with salted butter obviously – but it just always strikes me as a bit heavy on the old food budget and I begrudge spending the points. However, the cold beef left over from supper the night before had begged to be eaten as I’d done a recce of the fridge, so there it was, locked and loaded. And gone, by 11.45am.

Thing is, I can smash down a sandwich in no time. At least with my usual salad box it takes me a beat between mouthfuls to chase a shred of lettuce around with my fork. I might pause to add a little salad cream here or there, or a little seasoning. With a pre-made sandwich, there’s no messing around is there? It was like the culinary equivalent of premature ejaculation. No foreplay, and over in seconds once I’d unwrapped the foil…  yes, yes, YES…oh. Are we done?

By mid afternoon I could’ve eaten my own arm, I mean I was starving. And every time I walked back to my desk from one meeting or another I was greeted by the sight of these two boxes of chocolates. Bit by bit they started to chip away at my resolve. Surely one wouldn’t hurt? I’ve proved that I can survive without chocolate haven’t I, I mean look at me…we’re well into May and I haven’t eaten any since Christmas. I’ve got so much skin in the game it’s unreal, so surely I’d be safe with just one?

I got as far as saying fuck it out loud as my hand reached for the box, only to be stopped in my tracks by a colleague. She looked so genuinely shocked that I might be about to break my long run of resisting temptation that I put the box down and retreated back to my chair with my tail between my legs. And she was right. Of course she was right. She knew as well as I did that I wouldn’t have stopped at one. I would have had three, or seven, or maybe ten and then I’d have stopped at the store on my way home and bought some more. I’d probably still be chewing them as I write this.

Even though I know what lies in store if I awaken the beast, I almost went there. I just about clung on with my fingernails, but I’m hoping today will be easier. It’s a brand new week. My conversation with the Shitbird Scale this morning contained a few naughty words…I’m not sure this experiment about how and when I spend my points is working. I’ll stick with it for another week and then make a call.

I’ve felt vulnerable and a bit out of control these last few days, so I’m claiming yesterday as a victory. That’s how wars are won, right? One battle at a time 🙂

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6 thoughts on “One Battle At A Time

  1. Whew that was a close call with the chocolate eek! Hang in there! I know your frustrated that things seemed to have stalled on the scale right now. Work your program, eat the way you know works for weight loss. I believe you will start to see the scale move down again soon. Please don’t give in to the urge to self sabotage it isn’t worth it. You got this! One battle at a time!

    1. Thanks susan, I’m much more measured in my reaction to bad news from the shitbird scale these days…I know I’ll get there. Thanks for the encouragement 😊

  2. I am right there with you. Nuts, Girl, SERIOUSLY!! 1) I mean, old familiar food formats – sandwiches, they do go down so great. So fast! 2) What’s your expression, thing that tastes more-ish? More-ish. Other people also do this gilding the lily bit, ladling on the gratuitous layers.

    3) Get this: It isn’t just the calorie cost of a civilized chocolate, a burger or a cookie in company; it is knowing the fucking thing will make a power play & I spend 14 hours obsessing. Sigh

    When you have had the tiller deftly held in your hand, meals are satisfying, there’s active fun, you buy clothes in shops & feel reconciled with your body – then call on your Inner Skinny Girl: “Meh.” “You have it!”

    1. Do you know what Fleury, you’re a hundred percent on the money. I feel lovely in my new clothes and that’s worth passing on the chocolate any day!!

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