Sometimes, When You Need It The Most…

My Godmother passed away on Saturday evening. I’m incredibly sad, but relieved at the same time that she’s no longer in pain and can now rest in peace. I sat and held her hand for the last three days of her life, which has been both harrowing and comforting all rolled into one. She didn’t have any family of her own, but weย were her family through choice, and with a bond every bit as strong.

Always one to have the last word, she waited until I’d nipped home to grab a shower and some food before she drew her last breath and left this world behind.

I thought I’d feel guilty that she died alone, but actually I don’t. I see it as glorious affirmation that she lived life on her terms to the very end and there’s no doubt in my mind that had she wanted to die with her hand in mine she would have done so, and that actually makes me smile.

I think I’m still processing the fact that I’ll no longer be able to pick up the phone for a chat, you know? It doesn’t quite seem real. Hi, it’s me! Hello me…ย every conversation we had started that way, for as far back as I remember. It was our thing. And breaking the news to my mum that her closest lifelong friend had passed was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s going to be a period of adjustment for all of us as we navigate our way around the massive hole which has opened up in our lives.

When I walked the green mile to the Shitbird Scale yesterday morning, my heart was heavy and the Asshole voice was positively bristling with advice. Skip the weigh-in Dee, your thoughts should be elsewhere…you’re grieving and now isn’t the time to think about dieting. In the grand scheme of things what does it matter today what the number says…take a few days off, just until you’ve got your head around everything…

Now, I’m not suggesting that when my Godmother’s spirit soared on Saturday she had a quiet word with the Gods of Skinny on her way up that stairway to heaven…I mean, I wouldn’t be so bold.

However.

I did step on the scales, and somehow, despite meals snatched at odd hours and a lack of exercise this last week as I’ve kept my vigil, I’d bagged a 4lb loss. Are you serious?

I have no idea how it happened, and actually I don’t feel like I deserve it this week but what I do know is this…if the needle hadn’t moved, or worse than that if it’d gone in the wrong direction, I reckon I’d be midway through the mother and father of all binges right now. I was emotionally fragile, and the Asshole voice was seductive and persistent. Plus, he had a point. In the grand scheme of things does it really matter?

Yes. Of course it fucking matters, because I matter. And whether skinny divine intervention was in play or not, that number kicked the Asshole voice hard in the nicky nacky noos and I didn’t hear another peep out of him all day. No binges, no going off the rails. Just a quiet sense of satisfaction that I’ve taken care of business even in the midst of one of the single most difficult weeks of my life.

Sometimes, when you need it the most, help comes from unexpected quarters, right? I’m just sayin’ ๐Ÿ™‚

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15 thoughts on “Sometimes, When You Need It The Most…

  1. Oh Dee, I am so sorry for your loss. What a gift that you got to spend those last days with her. Vickie is right, watch for the afters. I packed on 7 lbs after a loss last month. Now trying to re-lose it plus..

    1. Thanks Autumn, and yes I’m hearing you loud and clear…good luck with taking yours off again, come on you’re one of my skinny town heroes, you can do this ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. day 4 beginning of being bot. back-on-track.. Feeling so much better emotionally as I see the scale move in the negative direction. I was completely lost and sat on the couch for far too long, let my old food friends visit….

  2. I know I reached out on mfp but I couldn’t let this go without letting you know I am still thinking of you. So sorry for the loss of your dear one.

    To lose those 4 pounds you have really held it together this last week during a very hard time. Congrats on getting 4 pounds closer to where you want to be.

  3. HI Dee
    so sorry for your loss. Hope you find comfort in all the wonderful memories that you have of your godmother.
    Fantastic news from the scale as well. You have got this!
    love
    Moira

  4. Please accept my condolences for your loss, my heart grieves for all of you who will miss her.

    In your week of crazy, you didn’t go crazy with overeating, and the fact that you were eating at odd times may have kicked your metabolism. Whatever caused that 4 pound loss, i’m glad for it for your sake.

  5. So sorry for your loss. Very glad you had a chance to be with her all those days.

    Watch out for The Afters, the next several weeks, especially because of the four lb loss. It is going to make you think you have all kinds of magic leeway.

    Walk your dog, drink your water, eat what is good for you, get lots of sleep. It matters.

  6. Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry. Wow, yeah, maybe it’s the escorting spirits who watch for the moment to slip away.

    Fuckin-A right, it makes a difference. It matters when it matters, for its own reasons. It feels positive, it feels like strength. You are “doing” you, as your Godmother would insist on.

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