Falling Down The Hole

I’m having a proper bare-knuckle fight with myself at the moment, as I wake up to day five of pure anarchy. What is it that tips you out of the sweet spot and forces you under the wheels? I can’t even sit here and tell you that I feel out of control, because actually I feel completely, dispassionately in control except I’m doing all the wrong things.

As I was ordering my lunch yesterday from the deli, having deliberately walked out of the house without fixing lunch,  my adopted mantra was running through my head – if I eat any of that I am choosing to wake up weighing more tomorrow than I do today…

The words I’ll have a piece of quiche please with some potato salad, oh and a slab of chocolate cake found their way out of my mouth anyway. And as I looked at my reflection in the shiny glass dome of the food display I was definitely flipping the bird to myself. I mean come on. The chocolate cake wasn’t even that good, but I ate it anyway, along with a kit-kat and two fingers of shortbread.

Where the actual fuck has this come from? Last week I fought the good fight every day, and although every mealtime felt like a battleground and my calorie allocation was a feat of engineering, I pretty much managed to make it add up. Well, more or less. But I definitely came out of last week feeling like I was still in the fight, even though I was on the ropes.

Right now, I’m not even counting. And I know I should be. Even as I’m dancing with the devil I should be logging, tracking and facing the reality of what’s going into my mouth but the Asshole is behind the wheel, and in the euphoria of this food fug I’m confused about how it’s making me feel. I should feel guilty, right? Bad. What I actually feel is sweet blessed relief that I’ve relinquished control and fuck the consequences.

I laid there last night trying to find some words for today’s post, and no words came. So I shut my laptop and went to sleep…I never do that. This is my safe place, you know? It’s where I can tip out the contents of my head and work through what’s going on no matter how tired I feel or how reluctant the words are to arrange themselves on the page. But I didn’t even put up a fight last night when my own head shut me out. I just gave into it and checked out, in fact I was asleep by 8.30pm.

I feel quite calm, actually. And I don’t know how today’s going to be, but I do know that I need to do everything in my power to dig myself out of this hole I seem to have fallen into. I’ve done it before, and I know I can do it again. I just need to summon up enough will to pick up the shovel  🙂


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18 thoughts on “Falling Down The Hole

  1. Food is how you comfort yourself, you’re certainly not the only one who does that. Sadly it’s the one vice that is hard to hide, unlike closet druggies, drinkers, gamblers you name it. Once things calm down for you I know you will be right back losing.

  2. Ay carumba, Dee, you are not the first person to underestimate the backlash and you won’t be the last. It will run its course. xom

  3. Oh bother. Chipping in … I somehow trashed my 2-point contribution, half typed. So, short version. You & I began taking back our true self & real life, summer 2016. For no apparent reason, in addition to all those rational reasons. We R gonna do that some more. Don’t throw anything away.

    p.s., I am also taking Moira’s advice & just going to give pastry a wide berth today. & tomorrow hopefully – no slush float as a special dispensation in this hot weather . Maybe all weekend, we’ll see.

    1. You too sweetie? Damn fat affliction, it’s going to be a lifetime battle I reckon. Better than a lifetime surrender tho huh?! And Fleury, that must be summer 2015 surely, you’ve been by my side from almost day dot 🙂

  4. No words of advice ’cause you know what to do. I relate to everything you wrote. When you said you left the house without your lunch I was reminded of the phrase “When you fail to plan you plan to fail”. How many times have we all done that “accidentally” 🙂
    I hope you find your sweet spot again, hopefully this weekend, no waiting for Monday haha!

    And Messymimi – you made me cry. I was 9 years old when my Mum re-married and I began a lifelong battle with food and yoyo dieting. So it hit a nerve with me but it is advice I need to follow so thank you.

    1. Aren’t we lucky Jo, to be surrounded by all this wisdom. You’re right, I do know what to do. Doing it, however, is a different matter!

  5. I agree with Moira the sugar beast has got a hold of you! The question becomes what are you going to do about it? You know what you have to do. I believe in you.

    I miss seeing you on myfitnesspal.com please come back. When ever I go on the site to log my food I check to see what you are doing so please come back!

    1. I haven’t even logged in today Susan because I’d feel like a fraud when it congratulates me for so many days in a row! I’m still wrestling the sugar monster, and I won’t quit until I’ve got on top of myself again 🙂

  6. If you get some quiet time, go sit down in a comfy chair and imagine yourself talking to nine-year-old Dee. How is she right now? Excessively sad about her mum and her Godmother and turning to the only comfort she knows, food, is my guess. Comfort her from your adult self. Tell her you are looking out for her, she doesn’t need to turn to food as a crutch, it will only have her feeling worse. Let her cry. Let her know, firmly, that you are going to comfort her in healthy ways, and do this as often as you need to.

    When you see that cake and you are “flipping yourself off” and ordering it anyway, it’s your inner child thinking, “I’m in a grown-up body now and I get to do whatever I want.” She doesn’t. She needs to be told it’s okay, given a hug, and not fed anything that will send you out of control.

    It’s not easy, but it can be done.

  7. Hi Dee
    It’s the sugar!! Once you had that first hit, your body got a taste of it again and it is dancing (albeit for a short while). This has hit when you were feeling fragile and vulnerable and it is completely understandable. Just try and stay away from the sugar today, just today and then take it from there. Thinking of you and sending hugs and strength.

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