It’s All Relative, Right?

So yesterday morning I walked the green mile into my bathroom to face the Shitbird conversation with more than a bit of trepidation. I probably deserve a prolonged stint on the naughty step to think about what I ate between between Sunday and Tuesday, but from Wednesday onwards I’ve been following the new Weight Watchers flex programme, and I mean following it to the letter.

I didn’t know what to hope for really, so I kept my fingers crossed that the needle didn’t go in the wrong direction, and technically it didn’t. Except it did.

I should probably set the scene…I was already muttering under my breath as I limbered up for the Shitbird Shuffle, because it’s honestly a pain in the ass. My bathroom floor is made up of hundreds of little mosaic tiles, and being a very old cottage there’s not a wall or a floor that’s flat or true, so I can honestly hop on twenty times and get twenty different numbers. It’s a pantomime that I go through every week.

Obviously I’ve always picked the lowest number, which more often than not is offered up by the tiles starting three black squares to the left of the bath. It might not be one hundred percent spot-on but it’s all relative isn’t it, and the numbers I’ve recorded have been a fairly indicative route map of my journey.

The thing is, I’ve just never been sure how accurate the Shitbird really was. The scale in the Kingdom of Pain for example always seemed to weigh a good seven pounds more than mine.  The Asshole voice convinced me that was God of Pain’s dirty trick to make me work harder. The other thing is, it’s not unheard of for mine to offer me a range of 8 to 10lbs between the lowest and the highest number, depending on how long I keep it going and how many times I jump on and off.  So there’s no wonder it pushes my buttons, right?

Anyway, as I set off dribbling the scale around the bathroom like some kind of square glass football, it suddenly occurred to me that if I lifted the Shitbird thing into the bath, it might be a bit less volatile. For the love of God why didn’t I think about doing that before? It turns out I am officially a genius. For the first time ever, it doesn’t matter how much I nudge it up and down with my foot, it stares back at me with the same number over and over again because it’s on a completely flat base. I know! The only downside is the number is higher. By quite a lot.

I think I prefer the wonky number to be honest. Actually, I nearly had a fucking cardiac arrest when the Shitbird thing tried to tell me I’d gained 11lbs, especially since I already knew I’d lost weight this week.  That said, at least going forward if it’s consistent I get a number I can hang my hat on, right? Under the old weigh-day waltz system I’ve lost half a pound this week, not gained, and I’ve still lost the same amount overall. I was just heavier than I thought I was when I started in 2015, and I’m heavier now than I thought I was yesterday.

I’m quite impressed that I’m not freaking out actually. Half of me wanted to carry on with how I’ve always done it just to preserve the not-quite-as-shit-as-that number that I’ve been reporting against, but it’s only a number, right? My arse didn’t get smaller or bigger just because I weighed in the bath, I’ve just recalibrated and I’ve got more to go after that’s all. It’s no biggie, and it feels right that I bring out my dead so I can completely draw a line under everything that’s gone before.

I’ve got one week exactly before I hit Christmas, and I’m going to make it count. Shall we go for three off?  🙂

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11 thoughts on “It’s All Relative, Right?

  1. Oh no, I thought I was the solo member of the Scale Dragger Club! Once recently I hopped on in the middle tile, and the number was amazing, but I knew it wasn’t right, so I dragged that scale back toward the toilet, and blah, the number was much higher. Sometimes I drag it to three or four spots, and still can’t find a number that justifies all the cookies I’ve passed up. 🙂
    Della

  2. Forgive me saying, “I know, right?” Malevolent the scale in our bathroom keeps changing the number up and down while i stand in one place! I am in agonies of indecision what to log. Yes, it could make me nuts…. Now, remember how feckless you looked saying, “I have turned the 50# corner, I think, can’t be sure how much I was fibbing when I first boarded this train. So, it may have been this week or it may have been last month. No idea.”

    I hate all my clothes. I jettisoned my last fat pants. I re-fucking-fuse to buy something bigger. Arrgh, i should tape my mouth shut. Godspeed to us. The Plan is my authentic tool and my hope. HAPPY, HEALTHY HOLIDAYS TO ALL.

    1. Aw thanks Fleury, YES! Don’t buy more fat pants, and if you bring the mouth I’ll bring the duct tape eh? By hook or by crook we will make it through the holidays!!

  3. It’s just data – don’t give it more thought than that – it doesn’t define you or make u good or bad – it’s just a number

  4. Once again, I feel like you are telling my story! I have danced with my scale so much, move it around multiple times, have a peek after a poop or after a run, this, that…it drove me nuts! I have promised myself that this time…..the first and only one counts and just once a week. I need to step away from the craziness of it. After all, if I am ever going to conquer this way of eating, the scale will not be my only judge. And so far I have stuck to the plan……keep your fingers crossed for me. Wishing you a great week:)

    1. Thanks Michelle! You take care of the input and the shitbird scale’s only job is to report the output. I’m determined not to give it more power than that in my mind!

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