Tag Archives: positive

Fighting Like An Alley Cat


So it’s too soon to hang out the flags, but I think I’ve managed to claw my way back into the game. My food sobriety is fragile, but after a couple more false starts it’s now seen two sun-downs. I’m feeling better. Calmer. I wish I knew why, I mean I haven’t done anything differently than I did on all those other days where I set off with the same steely determination then crashed and burned. Well, apart from not crashing or burning, obviously.

Somehow, on Wednesday I just held it together. And I managed to do the same again yesterday. It wasn’t without challenge…stocking up in the supermarket, the words just give yourself today and start again on weigh day were chanted at me over and over by the Asshole voice but I fought like an alley cat, and I didn’t give in.

It’s a complete head-fuck of course. I’m almost afraid to breathe, as I wait for the hammer to fall again and shatter my new-found resolve. Life would be much simpler if I could get even the smallest clue as to what it is that tips me in or out without warning, you know?

Wrestling my head back into the game has been harder than ever this time and I really struggled to get under the skin of why. I know I’ve had a tough time over the last few weeks but it feels like a cop-out using that as an excuse…life is always going to get in the way. There’s a difference between cutting myself a bit of slack, and throwing in the towel altogether isn’t there? The thing is, a fair weather recovery is no use to me, because sooner or later life is going to pepper my path with shit. Shit happens.

As I’ve reflected on how badly the wheels came off this time, I replayed some of the conversations I had with the God of Pain towards the end of last year, when he began to appreciate just how deep-rooted my issues with food really were. At the time, I was stepping in and out of my food plan like the flaming hokey cokey, and he nailed me one day in an impromptu counselling session, cleverly disguised as a bollocking.

We talked, not just about my go-to foods and my triggers but about the environment I was in when the binges happened. Where I was, who I was with, what I was doing…all of it.

He helped me to see that if I were to stand any chance at all of breaking the cycle, it was no good removing just one of the elements, you know? They all had to go because it wasn’t just about the food. My head would make associations with places and situations, and those subliminal associations would be powerful enough to undermine my food sobriety. Annihilate it, actually.

So sitting for hours on end in my big fat reclining chair, watching TV on my own was a no-no…it put me squarely in the danger zone, even without a bag of snacks because over the last seven years or so that’s where most of the magic happened.

In the first few months of this year, when I was refined sugar-free and completely in control of my eating, I barely went near the chair or the TV. I made sure that I was too busy.

So, let’s think about that. Where have I spent most of the last two weeks whilst I’ve been recuperating and resting my knee..? Yep…feet up in the chair. On my own, with just the TV for company. That’s a bit like leading a reformed but wobbly crack addict back into the crack den, just without the crack.

I’m all of a sudden inclined to be a bit more forgiving of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s okay…the car crash that greets me when I hop aboard the Shitbird Scale tells it’s own story. But I do begin to see how all the events of the last few weeks came together and created a shit storm that has been really bloody tough to navigate.

But I’m still here, right? I might have fallen down a lot but I never stopped wanting to get back up. And I’m not claiming it as a victory, not yet. My whole focus is on one day at a time. I’m walking better and further. I’m putting in the hard yards with my physio and although my knee was sore yesterday, I’m going to have good days and bad days as I push myself towards a full recovery.

That doesn’t just apply to my knee.

But I’m out of the chair. And watch out day three, I’m coming to get ya 🙂

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Choosing My Reaction

targetweight

So yesterday morning I leapt out of bed, barely resisting the temptation to rub my hands together in glee as I manoeuvred the bitch in the bathroom onto her usual tile for the weekly weigh-in. Over the last week, my input has been outstanding. I finished the week knowing that my eating had been completely clean, and I’d accrued fifty five extra exercise points that I hadn’t even dipped into, I mean that’s hardcore, right? I was able to look myself square in the eye and know I couldn’t have done more.

One pound off. All that, and I lost one measly poxy pound. How is that even possible? Despite the usual routine of multiple step-ons on different tiles the bitch failed to yield so much as an extra ounce, and after twenty four hours’ reflection it still feels spectacularly unfair that a body that is still carrying so much blubber can only offer up one solitary fucking pound.

And breathe…I refuse to get down about it because don’t we all know how fast that makes the wheels come off? I’m trying to be philosophical, so I’m choosing my reaction carefully and after a lot of thought I have chosen to focus on the positives instead. Of which there are many, actually.

My shoulder is feeling better…God of Pain is slowly reintroducing kettle bells into my circuit training. (Asshole voice just spat out his morning coffee – you’re looking for positives and THAT comes out of your mouth first??? We HATE kettle bells, they’re a THING.) Well yes, I know I hate the blasted things but every time I feel the burn I know they’re working stuff that needs to be worked so I don’t need to enjoy them, I just need to embrace the discomfort and appreciate what they can do for me.

My shape is changing, so although the pounds are clinging like shit to a stick I’m prepared to concede that the the way I look continues to go in the right direction. People are noticing, you know? If my weight was dropping more quickly but I couldn’t see much of a difference in the way I looked I’d be even more pissed off, so on balance I’d rather have it this way around. I’m choosing to believe that I’ve got the whole muscle weighs heavier than fat thing going on under the surface, which feels more like a reason than an excuse.

My biggest victory of all this week? One chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea for supper on Saturday. Uhuh *nods* yes you really did hear me say one chocolate biscuit. And it wasn’t the last one either, you know like accidental self-control which doesn’t really count? There’s a whole packet in the cupboard, and I just had one. With fifty-five untouched exercise points on the table which were due to expire at midnight, I still just had one.

Go on, admit it…I am a rockstar 🙂

This week is going to take some careful thought. I’m working away the last two days of the week, so controlling my diet is going to be more of a challenge, and I’ll also have to miss three of the classes I normally go to. I’ve substituted them for different ones so I’m good with it. I can adapt. Plus, there’s a gym at the hotel we’re staying in so I’m all over that. And after a cracking walk yesterday with some of my Kingdom of Pain buddies, we’ve lined another one up for next Saturday…there won’t be a day where I don’t do something.

Onwards, right? Let’s see what the bitch can throw at me next week 🙂

 

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