Tag Archives: resist temptation

Almost But Not Quite Human

Well, I’m feeling more human than I was this time last week…that ear infection was nasty. I managed to make it to my friend’s house this last weekend, a couple of hours north of here. It was our bi-annual pilgrimage to the craft and food fair that we love so much and I was reluctant to miss it, but we had to adapt our usual drill to reflect the fact that I was feeling a bit feeble. I haven’t seen my friend since we got back from holiday in February, but rather than sitting up chatting into the wee small hours which is customary on the first night, I was asleep in bed just after nine.

I was wiped. And I still had ear ache. I still have, actually, although it’s not anywhere near as bad as it was. I’m going to go stage a sit-in at my Doctor’s surgery today until they either give me something to sort it out once and for all, or chop the damn thing off.

The Asshole voice has been both enthusiastic and persistent this weekend. There was a steady stream of helpful suggestions emanating from the corner of my head where he lives, including his permission to throw caution to the wind and eat what I wanted because apparently it doesn’t count when you’re poorly. Sly fucker. I had to push the voice away at every single stall in the food hall. Speciality sausages, pies overflowing with steak and stilton, brownie bars and a hundred different flavours of cheese were all fair game…the Asshole lobbied hard and fast for all of them.

I’ve got to be honest, I was tempted. Don’t you think it’s harder to resist stuff when your defences are low? I do. I even tried a few samples this time, where last time I had a zero tolerance and managed to make it around without a single one. I counted them though, so it was controlled. I had four fingernail-sized pieces of cheese, a mouthful of pork pie and an eighth of a sausage on a stick so I’m fairly confident it won’t break the points bank. I bought a small pouch of smoked almonds which were all kinds of awesome, but they fitted easily into my weekly points, and that was the only thing I bought in the food hall.

It’s a shame I couldn’t quite pull off the same restraint when it came to the non-food side of things. However. I’ve only got one extra chin nowadays, so it’s harder to resist some of the lovely hand made jewellery because it’s starting to look nice on me again. And even though I’m still a bit Buddha-shaped, my body pretty much manages to squeeze into a size large these days, so the lack of XXXL duds didn’t cramp my style like it has done in the past.

There were lots of lovely little boutiques selling exactly the kind of stuff I like to wear, and I had arms like a fucking orangutang by the time we made it back to the car from carrying all the bags but you know what, I figured it was better than than allowing myself to get talked into buying pies, right?  I can’t be expected to resist everything, I mean I’m still a work in progress after all.

I’m not feeling confident about weigh-day tomorrow. My food plan has been on point, but I’ve been laid low and didn’t make a single visit to the Kingdom of Pain last week due to the pain and the pressure in my ear. But on a brighter note, the Physio has declared that my dodgy knee is on the mend, and I can go back to classes as normal this week, with just a couple of minor adjustments so hopefully I’ll start to build up my fitness again. I missed it, like a proper weirdo.

I’ll update the Shitbird page tomorrow whether it’s good, bad or ugly. Please lets all close our eyes and pray that it’s not bad or ugly 🙂

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One Foot In Afterwards

It’s not often that I resent the fact that I have to work for a living, in fact the opposite is true. I enjoy my job a lot, and I love the company that I work for, but honestly, after having a lovely long run of ten days off, the very last thing I wanted to do last night was set my alarm for stupid o’clock, and haul my sorry ass back to work. I mean come on, surely it’s my turn to win the lottery or something?

If I didn’t have to work, I could spend my days doing all those things that I never have time to think about when I’m caught up in the daily grind. I’ve never not worked, and I realise that makes me more fortunate than some, but it’s been awesome this week just pottering around at home. And I’ll tell you what else, it’s been much easier to stick to my food plan, because there hasn’t been anywhere near the same amount of temptations that I’m used to fielding on a daily basis.

I can pretty much guarantee that in our office of ten people, one of us will be eating or chewing or grazing on something at any given point in time. And I can also guarantee that as soon as I hear the crinkle of a wrapper, my ears are all over it. I want in.

I can’t help wondering how long it will be before I get to the point where resisting temptation doesn’t come with a hefty dollop of resentment. Will it ever? I’ve become fairly well-rehearsed in the art of saying no and holding the line with the Asshole voice, but I’m still one hundred percent in that place where I want to mutter under my breath and kick whichever lucky bastard is eating the thing I can’t have as soon as the words leave my lips.

Resisting temptation makes me feel good afterwards, especially at bedtime if I’m reflecting on a day that hasn’t turned out to be a smart-points car crash. It’s the same when I go to the Kingdom of Pain, you know? I feel better afterwards, even though the hour of torture itself is still something I have to work hard at not resenting. The people make it fun, but for the record I fucking hate kettle bells until the end of time.

I reckon it’s more of a challenge to live in the moment when you’re trying to lose weight, because all the good stuff seems to happen after the event. Make the right choice, and then feel good about it afterwards. Do you think this is what normal people do, like all the time? Maybe I’ve lived my life so far with an upside-down approach…as far back as I can remember, gratification in the moment and regret and self recrimination afterwards is all I’ve ever known.

It’s taken me a while to learn how to appreciate the afterwards. The penny didn’t drop straight away, about cause and effect. I’m slowly turning the ship, but I’m still wrestling with the wheel and I think I probably will be for a good while yet. Maybe I always will. Maybe I’m just wired in a way that means feeling pissed off in the moment because I can’t eat what I really want to eat will always happen?

I hope not. I hope I’ll get to that place where resisting temptation is as natural as breathing. I live in hope 🙂

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A Moment Of Flirtation

Is it just me, or does January seem to be whizzing past us at warp speed? I can’t believe we’re in the last week already, and I honestly don’t know where the time went. Last week was a wretched one. We’ve had trouble with our drains at home and the kitchen flooded twice. Okay, I’m being a drama queen, I mean I didn’t have furniture floating past me or anything but I did have to keep mopping up water when it all blew back up the pipes because it couldn’t find its way outside, and the drain people had to come out three times before it was finally fixed.

I feel like I’ve been tested, you know? I can think of numerous examples of domestic crises in the past  which I navigated with the help of yellow pages and a packet of hob-nobs, but I’m happy to report that on this occasion I didn’t compound an already shit week by falling off my food plan. That’s progress, right? In spite of my heroic efforts, Shitbird scale awarded me a very measly three quarters of a pound yesterday, but in light of my big loss the week before I’m taking it on the chin…it’s better than nothing.

There was an incident last night…a moment of flirtation between me and a box of chocolate covered donuts. Which incidentally I don’t even like. That’s the reason they were in my kitchen in the first place…my boy put a request in for chocolate when I went shopping, so I took great care to bring treats that I wouldn’t generally cross the road for. I’m on day 22 of my quest to spend my food budget on healthy choices, and not a single bite of anything naughty has passed my lips since I glued the wheels back on after Christmas.

So I didn’t bring home anything that would tempt me. I brought him chocolate-covered donuts instead because I’m immune to their charms. Except last night, I wasn’t. As I wiped down the kitchen counter, I must have stood and stared at that box of donuts for a good five minutes, wondering how they would taste if I took a bite out of one of them. Just one bite. There was nothing else at all in the house which could have led me towards the danger zone – trust me I mentally rifled through every cupboard just to make sure – and all of a sudden those fucking donuts looked like the most appealing treat I’d ever seen. I don’t care for them, but I was desperate to eat one.

I didn’t though. The moment passed. Wave two hit me when I’d been in bed for about half an hour, and the house was quiet. The asshole voice tried his level best to talk me into going back downstairs and moving in for the kill. You’ve proved you can do it now, you’re totally in control. So you can choose to have one now, and that would be okay…

He got nowhere. It’s funny isn’t it…my mind wanted the donut, even though my mouth doesn’t particularly like the taste. Weirdo, who does that?

Actually, not me 🙂

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