My friend messaged me yesterday morning to ask how my day was going, just as I was contemplating a shrink-wrapped quartet of Hot Cross Buns. It was a little after nine in the morning, and whilst her question may well have been wrapped up in a pleasantry, in our triumvirate of accountability and support we would’ve all recognised the real question as what have you eaten so far today…? Come on girls, tell me I’m wrong.
It seems I was destined not to get a good run at the Hot Cross Buns. I broke open the pack and somehow only lifted two out. Obviously your average skinny girl would break a sweat at the prospect of eating two whole Hot Cross Buns but I’m here to tell you that on any given day over that last few weeks I’d have been all over all four of the little feckers in a heartbeat. But I stopped at two. Which I’m claiming as a victory if you don’t mind, on the basis that it’s a very small degree of change but it’s progress all the same. It wasn’t four.
I still haven’t been on the scale. I’m just not ready. It’s like this great big shitbird cloud of doom hiding in the bathroom waiting to spoil my day. My old cat used to spread all four legs wide if he got a whiff of even the slightest chance we were about to try and encourage him into the cat carrier and I appear to have adopted a similar mentality where the scale is concerned. I’ll do anything to avoid it. You’re all telling me to bite the bullet and get it over with and I know I should but it’s just not happening.
I’ve at least stopped binging though and that’s got to count for something, right? I’m not doing all the right things but at least I’ve stopped doing all the wrong things on a constant loop. My eating wasn’t bad yesterday, it just wasn’t good. Hot Cross Buns for breakfast, cheese on toast for lunch and then chicken and jacket potato for supper followed by a cereal bar. Yes, way too many carbs and nothing green. But no chocolate. And only one cereal bar.
Well, there was only one in the cupboard but hey I need the kudos. I didn’t haul my ass to the shop to buy more, and last week I definitely would’ve so it’s something, you know?
I get a sense that my world is slowly tipping the right way up in spite of myself. I know I’ve got this massive cradle of support around me and I’m thankful. My mailbox has been off the chart busy this week and I’ve got advice and tips and me toos coming from every direction. What’s been especially lovely is the number of folk in the posse who’ve joined the regular voices and popped up with a few encouraging words for the first time, it’s like you’ve all given each other the nod and together you’re trying to carry me over this rough patch.
Just don’t carry me to that fucking scale…not yet. Don’t make me do it. I will…just not yet.