I don’t know if you caught up with the comments thread underneath my Valentine’s post, but my heart went out to Jo, one of our lovely posse who had an altercation with her asshole voice yesterday, and it didn’t end well. I get so cross…not with Jo, obviously but with whoever or whatever it is that plants one of these asshole voices inside all of us with the sole intention of making the wheels come off our good intentions.
I can only liken mine to one of those con-men who arrive at your door full of charm, wangle their way inside and then bugger off with the family silver whilst you’re making them a cuppa.
I thought it might be helpful to compile an Asshole voice top ten, sort of a twisted thinking hit parade if you will. Mine’s had some success with these over the years, but maybe calling them out will demonstrate that your Asshole voice is in fact involved in a much bigger plot to pepper the world with fatties, and by virtue of the fact that you’re reading this I’d hazard a guess that you’re front and centre of it all with a target on your back.
So, your Asshole’s pick of the pops might go something like this…
- That thing that you’re not supposed to eat, well I know you don’t want it, but you need to eat it just to prove that you can stop at one.
- Well that’s it, you’ve gone one point over your allowance for the day, so you may as well park the diet and have a hob-nob. You can start over tomorrow.
- Look, this craving has been twisting your melon for the last three hours…why don’t you just have a tiny taste of the double chocolate sundae and get it out of your system? You don’t have to eat it all.
- You just had a big poo so you must have dropped like two pounds in an instant…that bag of cheese balls won’t even register if you eat it right away.
- There’s stuff in the fridge that’s tormenting you, right? If you finish it off now, all of it, tomorrow you’ll not be tempted by anything, because there’ll be no naughties in the house.
- If you really want two family bags of Maltesers it’s fine, because you can just eat bananas and drink coffee for the rest of the week.
- Look there’s food in the fridge that’s about to go out of date – it’s a gazillion points but it’s wrong to let it go to waste, you should absolutely eat it.
- A balanced diet means eating from all of the food groups, right? So really you need that slab of freshly baked bread lathered with butter to avoid becoming malnourished.
- Look! Cheese balls are on offer, two for one…they’re a bargain and you don’t have to eat them, they’re useful to have in, just in case someone who likes cheese balls comes round.
- You just had a terrific weight loss this week, well done…you don’t have to get on the scales for another week now, so you can so get away with being naughty.
Now I’m relying on you guys to tell me if I’ve missed anything obvious off the list…this is sort of like a public service you know? They say that forewarned is forearmed, so anything that helps us dodge these particular bullets as we jog on towards that skinny life can only help.
Right back at the start when I began this diet, almost 6 months ago now, one of the first things I did was to give my asshole voice a personality. I imagine him looking a bit like the picture at the top of this page, sitting on a stool in the corner of my head just waiting to pounce on opportunities to undermine what I’m trying to achieve.
I can’t tell you how much that has helped me…it allows me to separate his voice from my proper thoughts. I’ve learned to recognise when he’s the one speaking, and close him down straight away. Well, most of the time anyway. If you’re anything like me, and have a stubborn streak running through you, the minute you think someone else is trying to sabotage you, you just get more determined.
I had an email once from someone who said I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own thoughts by blaming someone else, and my diet was doomed to fail on this basis. I pointed out that I didn’t actually think there was a bloke living inside my head – duh – but you know what, if it helps me to squash the twisted thinking for the first time in my life, who the hell cares that someone disapproves of the way I choose to do it. I’m more than 50lbs down, go figure.
Whatever works, right?
I am pretty sure I have had the same “greatest” hits too. My latest (i.e. today’s one) is “You’re beginning to get a nasty cold, you need energy to fight that off. Croissants, like the one on the desk opposite, is good for energy”. Yeah. I had the croissant. It was nice, but I didn’t need it and I feel a bit lousy now, kind of like I let myself down.
Yep, I get it! My Grandma used to say feed a cold, starve a fever so I always made sure I had a cold not a fever!!
So agreed with many of these Dee, my friend and I have dropped off the slimming group radar a few times with ‘ my heads just not in the right place for this now’ or similar, like if we just don’t feel like going, it’s justified as not the right time for us to face up to the fat.
We convince ourselves there is no point paying out weekly but we choose to ignore the potential motivation we just might reignite if we do show up.
Worth the few ££ if we get back on track- speaking as a serial dieter having got to goal and regained at least twice, I so need to learn about maintaining when I get there this time.
Oh Lord me too Sue – I’ve never sustained it but this time…this time I’m a year away from goal and already working on how I stay there!!
Yes! That’s it! You have to thoroughly plan your maintenance diet WELL in advance of reaching goal! Been there, done that. This time I reached goal and maintained for 3 years. Then I fell off the wagon… Pooey!
Oh no, Donna! Just goes to show doesn’t it, that even when we think we’ve got the asshole voice beaten, really it’s just dormant. Hope you’re back in the saddle now, there’s going to be one hell of a party when we all get to skinnytown!
What about “Well, she’s eating one and she weighs the same as one of my legs, so they can’t be that bad for you”
A definite addition to the list!
You call it an a$$hole, i call it the inner child. Either way, getting it to behave is like trying to parent Dennis the Menace!
Mine always seemed to be afraid that if i didn’t eat all of it now, there wouldn’t be any of that particular favorite later. Shortages were to be feared, and i don’t know why.
Yes! Why is that?!
Well after the chocolate debacle on Sunday night it was all I could do to get back on track yesterday. Probably all the sugar coursing through my system. To add to the list you made the voice in my head had a new one – ” You’re obviously not ready to stick to the diet yet so just quit for a bit until you can really get into it”. Oh man, I was so tempted to go along with that thought. I managed to stay on track but barely moved, preferring instead to read, watch t.v. and lick my wounds when all I wanted to do was go and buy more flipping chocolate.
Today has been better. I made a big pot of minestrone soup so I don’t have to deal with thinking about what I’m going to eat for a few days. I think I may have set myself up by saying I would post my loss on here. I mean I had lost over 2lbs by Friday so why I had to go and sabotage myself the night before posting, I just don’t know.
Anyway, I’ve beaten myself up enough, time to move on. Sorry for going on and on……
Oh that’s definitely another one for the list! And yes, move that tushy along now, y’hear? It’s done, over, and look at you getting back in the saddle…no quitters here, right? Good for you. Have a good week and we’re all here cheering you on, pompoms and everything 🙂 🙂
These don’t all apply to me – but some of them sooooo do! Especially going one point over so might as well eat all the things, and eating all the bad stuff today so you won’t be tempted tomorrow.
I suspect it’s a universal asshole language Natalie. After all these years, I speak fluent asshole…most of us on here probably can!
“You might as well finish it off tonight, when it’s fresh, and really wonderful. You made enough to serve it left-over as the main course tomorrow, but reheated… it won’t be as worth the calories.”
How about, “Oh, you wouldn’t enjoy being a smaller size anyway, you’re no kid anymore. It doesn’t matter what size bathing suit you’re buying -it pretty much has to cover everything up.”
“This has cheese in it; you could use the protein.”
“…But these are GOURMET, bakery cakes! ”
Mostly the Shitbird voice that hacks my internal sound-system knows when to fall silent, & let inertia take over: i stretch out with the economy-size bag of corn doodles & go on autopilot.
& this: There are always nay-sayers & pushy advice-givers in our lives. The more certain & resolute I feel, the more I am able to shine them on, & just go my own way. That’s what I am striving for.
thanks for this – you know, it really feels good to have the company of kindred spirits in this chapter of my life. Ta! Fleury
Blimey, some classic ones there Fleury…definitely without a doubt your shitbird and my asshole are in cahoots 🙂 And I’m honoured to have your company chick 🙂