The Polar Opposite Of Easy

I don’t know about you, but in that moment where I desperately want to eat something I shouldn’t,  the Asshole voice spits out reassurance after reassurance about how easy it’ll be to pick up the pieces pretty much straight away afterwards. My head totally gets on board with the whole concept and works in tandem to erase any old memories which may tell a different story, and right up until the chewing is over I remain convinced that getting back in the game is going to be a walk in the park.

I fall for it every fucking time.

Before you start throwing things at the screen out of sheer frustration that I’m still fannying around, I’m not. I’ve got five days’ worth of skin in the  game but honestly, pulling myself back out of that hole has been a full-on stinking turd of a task. I’m wrung out by the relentless assault on my willpower to the point where it feels like my week has been directed by Quentin Tarantino.

The reality of getting back on plan after a ten day hiatus is the polar opposite of easy. It’s compounded by the sheer boredom of not being able to do much else apart from sit in the chair with my leg elevated and have the occasional potter about. It seems that dragging my mind out of the refrigerator is much easier if I can take Charlie-dog out for a long walk, or go work up a sweat at the Kingdom of Pain.

I’m tetchy from the sugar withdrawal and my mind and body are not occupied with anything other than how much I want to eat whilst I’m sitting around doing nothing. There’s no unsuitable food in the house, so my options are deliberately limited but that doesn’t stop the steady stream of help and advice from the Asshole voice as to how I might engineer a situation whereby I’m left to my own devices and therefore free to order take-out pizza.

Fair to say then that it hasn’t been a textbook week so far. I had some ice-cream on Sunday that I haven’t paid back into the calorie pot yet, but that was my very last sugar-related transgression and other than that I’m doing okay as I claw my way back to clean eating. There might have been an incident with some out-of-budget sprouts and a battered haddock fillet yesterday but I was due to take pain meds and I needed to eat something. It could have been worse.

The big bandage came off yesterday, to be replaced by a full length elasticated support stocking. This didn’t improve my mood any, since my knee blew up like a football and I realised that said support stockings are just not built for fat legs.

Getting it on was easy so I was lulled into a false sense of security, but to stop the dratted thing rolling down from the top every time I moved, I had to make a sort of cuff with the top of it which then proceeded to cut the circulation off in my leg. Drama queen that I am, I convinced myself that I was having a DVT until it dawned on me that the stocking was just too damn tight.

On medical advice when I couldn’t stand it any longer, the support stocking went in the bin and I’m once again swaddled in bandages. Two steps forward, one step back. I’m sore, and my cranky pants are pulled all the way up to my armpits. Surely three family bags of cheese balls and a Daim cake would make me feel better right now..? Except I know they really wouldn’t, beyond a brief moment in time. So it’s a no from me.

It doesn’t stop the image of them playing on a constant loop in my head though 🙁


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11 thoughts on “The Polar Opposite Of Easy

  1. I am sitting with a friend who just had knee surgery. Like spending nights and fetching ice. So, I have sympathy.

    I have three words – distraction, distraction, distraction. Find something non food related on which to focus. Knitting, Netflix, putting names and dates on old family photos, reading.

  2. Maybe if I kick you in the shin of your good leg it would take your mind off the cranky leg and the food you think will make it feel better? 😉

  3. Wow, Dee, so sorry it’s TOUGH right now. The only encouraging thing I can say is that when you get thru this (and you will) it will give you a comparison for temptation times in the future. You can say to yourself, “hey, if I could beat the Asshole when I had my knee surgery, I can for sure do it this time”. I think this time you’re going thru now is one of the hardest. Recent death, your mother’s injury, falling off the plan, having your own surgery, and now facing recovery, withdrawal and boredom. Those three are a deadly combo, and beating them may help make future temptations seem like a piece of cake. Oops, maybe not the best choice of words, but you get the drift……..

  4. Ah, the cranky pants. I own several pairs.

    You could read my exciting blog if you want to occupy yourself… I’ve just started taking Duromine (phentermine), a diet pill – on the advice of my doctor obviously – since I don’t seem to be able to stick to diet and exercise alone. Will it work!? Will I have horrible side effects!? Day one is going well so far…

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