It’s funny you know, the vastly different perspectives you gain as you look at your weight-loss journey from a number of different viewpoints along the way. Having emerged from the sugar haze otherwise known as Christmas, I can clearly see that’s exactly what I was surrounded by over the holidays…a sugar haze. If I have to give it my best guess, I reckon a good half of the food in my house over the festive season contained a small mountain of all the wrong things.
Now, I’ve got to take accountability for putting that food in my cupboards in the first place, I know that. I was accompanied on my Christmas food shop by the Asshole voice, like some naughty child running amok and threatening tantrums left and right unless the trolley filled up with naughties.
The scale of my muppetry was significant…bear in mind that my boy was only off work on Christmas day, my mum is the size of a sparrow with an appetite to match and I’m on a diet. The supermarkets were only closed for one day and yet despite all the above, by the time I’d unpacked my booty I struggled to close my floor-to-ceiling fridge and my cupboards were bursting. All because I lost control on that one shopping expedition.
It wasn’t even bad planning. I’d intended to write a list and stick to it, somewhere around 3am on the night before Christmas eve. I always do that given that our supermarket opens 24 hours a day and at that time it’s usually just me and the people who work there filling up the shelves ready for the last-minute onslaught. There are no crowds and checkout is painless…it’s a stroke of genius and I’ve done it for at least the last 10 years.
Except this year, I called in at a different supermarket the day before my planned trip, on the way from taking mum to a hospital appointment. I hadn’t even written my list, and I’d intended to pick up one specific item. The aisles were surprisingly free of people, the shelves were full and they were playing Christmas music…before I knew it me and my mum were in full swing, ooo’ing and ahh’ing over anything that looked tasty and gleefully lobbing it in the trolley. And it was all downhill from there.
I don’t want to re-hash the food disasters all over again, we’ve shut the door on Christmas 2016 now and it’s a shiny new year…I’m using the example only to illustrate how looking back now, from my New-Year-new-start perspective I can clearly see where the wheels came off. And on some level, whilst I must have known it spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R, not to mention disrespecting all the effort I’d spent losing pounds over the preceding months, I didn’t care. In the moment my perspective was very different.
I’m going to pick at the concept of self-sabotage in a bit more detail as I make my way through January. I remember way back in the early days of my diet writing a blog post called Part Woman, Part Ostrich which resonated with such a lot of you when you read it. I don’t think it would hurt me to look back on some of the posts from around that time…I was doing a lot of writing – and reflecting – and it helped. I have form, in terms of getting so far down the road then popping the balloon of my success with a fucking big pin and watching it blow away in the wind.
Not this time…this is day 10 folks, and it’s all good 🙂
Yes, hello, I think fondly of the other folks, who’ve made the wheels turn for a year+. I am certain that the momentum is REALLY having your company, the support & sympathy & welcome snippets of uncommon knowledge, ever since we’ve peeked in here chez Skinny. Right through different stages & elations & revelations & dismay & doubts – eek! – scream weights and self-love, remember Guys: It’s okay, IT’S A THING!
Much affection to you – it’s all been helping me more than I would have imagined! Fleury Knox
Haven’t we met some lovely folks along the way Fleury? I feel so lucky to know you all ?
I think one of the errors in our thinking is that this journey is a straight line. It’s much more ups and downs, side turns, a few u-turns and a rotary or two, where sometimes we are spinning in circles, looking for the right path to get off and go straight again. I had a pretty crappy year last year between health issues and some other stuff. This affected my journey…I gained a few pounds (not a lot, but a few) and my strength training was derailed. This morning when I looked in the mirror, I almost cried because I don’t look like I did last year. My face is the same, but my curves are different. The work I put into my physique was lost and my body shows it. I realized that I had a choice. To either throw in the towel and say, “It’s not worth it.” Or seize the day and say, “This is MY year!” So much of this is our perspective. Is it defeat or is it an opportunity? To me, it’s going to be all about growth this year. Strength building. Endurance training. My weight is not consequential. I mean it is, but it’s not my focus. I am choosing to stop the merry-go-round and start climbing the mountain again. I can do this!
Good for you lovely, you’re right this iS your year. Of course you can do it…we’re all pulling for ya 🙂
Oh the sugary haze of Christmas past…my excuses were as plentiful as the chocolates in the candy dishes: my son was home from Seattle, my other son from the Army, we were celebrating! We needed cookies and more cookies and cinnamon buns! And I though tI HAD it. You know, when you have that teeny bit of smugness….”I don’t eat that stuff anymore…”, as if you are miles away from ripping off wrappers. In reality, it never goes away, the allure. That’s why I love this blog, because I need help, I need consistent ammo to battle the lies of why I need to eat just one cookie. So…thank you for writing, sharing, and being honest. I just love that I am not the only one, and your progress encourages me. Thank you!
Della
Well Della you’re more than welcome…I’m glad we help, even a little bit!
I went and read that post that you high lighted and while it was excellent what really spoke to me was Cheries comment: “I think the issue, for me, is that I have to stop treating obesity as a curable disease, and instead approach it more like an addiction problem. I can’t ever be ‘done’ because it doesn’t stay done. I can’t go ‘back’ to normal.
I’m always going to need to stay on a plan that keeps me tracking, keeps me accountable, because I am never going to be a skinny girl, I hope someday to be a recovering fat girl, and stay that way”
Even after being in recovery for 20 years this year, lately I have struggled with being at scream weight again. I needed to be reminded of this, and her comment speaks to the deepest part of me. I will always be a recovering fat girl there is no cure, only management of the disease. I have a certain way I eat and exercise and that is the only reason my “weight” stays sane. If I took off the training wheels so to speak I know I would right back up to where I started years ago. For me it is a daily decision to never go back. Thanks for continuing to write such a inspiring blog.
You are more than welcome Susan…like you, I take so much inspiration from all of you who comment. I often wonder what happened to Cherie, and hope she’s okay – she was a really regular chatterbox and I’d love to think she’s way too busy in Skinny Town now to need our chatter!
You were shopping with a child, your inner child. The inner child is always there, always ready to pitch a fit to get the goodies it wants. After all, the inner child knows that now it’s in a grown up body so mum and dad can’t call the shots. It becomes up to our own grown up selves to parent this inner child.
Giving the inner child time and attention, apart from treats that aren’t good for us, helps.
You’ll need to explain how Mimi…I don’t really understand what you mean?