On Guard Against The Afters

So, I’m reliably informed that The Afters are coming for me, which is what Vickie calls it when you’re past the crisis and the urge to go rogue sneaks up on you without warning. I’m taking no chances. I might not have expected it, but that four pound loss on Sunday was hard-won, especially ¬†when you consider it in the context of what was happening in my life last week, right? I’m doubly determined that the fuck-up fairy is not going to creep up behind me and make off with those four pounds like a thief in the night. So I’m on guard, 24/7 against myself.

I can feel her lurking. I had a bad day on Monday when the reality of life without one of my special people started to bite, and by mid afternoon I’d eaten breakfast lunch and dinner, with a handful of snacks thrown in for good measure. I was at least six hundred calories over my daily budget. I managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat by forcing myself to cycle down to the Kingdom of Pain and back – a very hilly eight mile round trip – and doing an hours’ worth of boxing whilst I was there. I brought it home on the nose, but only just…it was a close call.

I did a similar thing yesterday. By late afternoon I was in deficit, having eaten a big lunch and grazed through the afternoon. It was another tough day and seeing my mum so broken and missing her friend sent me hurtling towards Snacksville at warp speed. I pulled it back by going to an unplanned circuit training session last night, which meant that I ended the day with a few calories in the bank but again it felt like I was teetering on the edge.

Today, I’m determined that I’m not going to dance to the tune of that same upside-down fuckery. I’m done with the white knuckle ride. I am working out tonight, but I’m determined to walk through the doors of the Kingdom of Pain with a dinner’s worth of calories ring-fenced in the bank for afterwards. That means dinner and any additional healthy treats can come when I’ve earned them rather than spending my food budget up ahead on tick, and having to sweat my way back from the cliff edge.

I’m exhausted. For the last few nights, any hope of sleep has disappeared as soon as my head hits the pillow. I’m worried about my mum, who’s elderly and very fragile, and not in the best of health herself. I’m trying to sort out a funeral and I’m worried about holding it together long enough on that day so I can deliver a eulogy which is worthy of my Godmother. Most of all I’m grieving. It’s a killer combination and it’s fucking grim trying to hold it all together full stop, you know?

When food has always been your person, or the blanket that you wrap yourself up in whenever life takes a pot shot, finding a new way of processing stuff which doesn’t involve medicating with food sucks till the end of time. Despite logic telling me that five family bags of cheese balls and a Daim cake wouldn’t actually make me feel any better, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to give it my best shot. I won’t go there, but for the love of God I want to.

I just keep telling myself that this too will pass.

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16 thoughts on “On Guard Against The Afters

  1. Dee, I’m catching up. I do that often. Take a hiatus from my reading and then binge read all of your posts…usually in reverse chronological order. I’m so so sorry you’ve had all of this to go through. You are a champion, that’s for sure. Sometimes when life throws you one curve ball after another and everyone wants you to be the strong one, it’s hard to sort out your emotions and find the comfort you need for yourself, especially when the good gods only provide anxiety, guilt and anguish. To be completely honest, I think you should give yourself more credit. You’ve kept it together as best you can given one trial and tribulation after another. Love you!!!

  2. Good job spotting The Afters. Recognizing what is going on helps a lot. (They can also hit after a good event too. After a big wedding or vacation or holiday).

    This is when WHAT you eat can be your ally. Green veggies for example. Can eat a larger amount for very few calories. When you have the urge to chew, it is important WHAT it is.

    I am not a doctor. My husband and I were standing at the pharmacy this past Saturday because we were out of town, I was seriously on edge and I also have a case of poison ivy. I needed something to help me chill. And she suggested benedryl. Helped with the poison ivy, and helped me sleep. Even if it had not been for poison ivy, it would have still helped me chill and sleep. So I added some to my overnight case so when I need it away from home trouble sleeping, I have it. So you might want to check with your chemist. Good sleep will help everything.

    You coped well for the last two days. I think it helped a ton that you got out and burned off stress. But you are absolutely right that you need to put the brakes on it now.

    Day Three is another one of my things. Day Three is when you pay attention and have to take action to turn things around. I am not saying it is okay to binge for two days as a habit and then turn things around on the third day. I am saying if things do not seem right, something is weird, by Day Three, it is time to get help or change something.

    You cannot out run the fork. People who over eat and then over exercise get themselves into all kinds of problems. Eventually they still over eat but cannot keep up with the exercise. Or they get injured and still over eat. So I was relieved to hear you say that you are aware. Aware is good.

    Other things that always help are having the right food stuff in your house and not having the wrong food stuff in your house. So every choice is a self help/good choice.

    Very good to hear from you.

    My mom has serious heart issues. I am 56 and she is 76. So I know a bit of what you feel.

    1. Today is a better day. I’m back to work (although working from home) and I switched off when my head refused to stay in the game – I’d put a good six hours in so didn’t feel guilty – and I’ve just had an hour out on my bike. I can chill out for an hour, pop in and check on my mum then I have a body pump class…I like that one. It’s been a busy day but much, much better than earlier in the week ?

  3. Yeah, truly, the “unplanned circuit training” sounds just
    like a recovering alcoholic Finding a Meeting when in need. Don’t be derailed, don’t be undermined by the Inner Saboteur. When our fellows tell us about a calamitous backslide at some point in their weight loss journey, it’s, “and then life happened…”
    Now is a time to ‘exercize’ the habits, practices, muscles that we have been developing.
    Loving you loa.
    Comfort & protection to you, your Mum, and the family, you’re in my thoughts & prayers.

    1. Thank you lovely. You’re all helping me massively with your thoughts and prayers. We’ve been practising for times like this, eh Fleury ?

  4. Whenever we make a change, it’s like life can’t resist giving us a test to see if it’s real–several, in fact, and usually at least one kick in the caboose so hard we derail.

    You know logically even the magic of Daim cake can’t undo this hurt, but can you face that emotionally? Really? With no one coming to save you? All by yourself? Jeez Louise!

    Sounds to me like you’ve passing with flying colors–working it out instead of stuffing it in. Don’t be so hard on my friend Dee with all this calories at noon versus night talk. A win is a win.

    Also, you are getting a hint of the afters now (love that term!) but I bet the tsunami-sized backlash will hit after the funeral is said and done. Keep your guard up.

    Condolences Dee, on your loss. I pray somehow, someday we’ll all meet again. xom

    1. I hope so Margaret. And I’m focusing on the next goal. 9lbs to go then I reach the 100lbs milestone. Eyes forward, right? ?

  5. I am so freaking proud of you! I mean, you are so strong! You have the determination to pull yourself up and go exercise.
    You have this. I am thinking of you and sending all positive thoughts your way.

  6. So much pain you and your Mum are dealing with. You will come out of it stronger but going through it must be so hard.
    Praying for strength to get you through the eulogy. I know you will do it with a great sense of humour and your godmother will be so proud of you.
    Sending loving thoughts across the pond x

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